A Funny Speech

Here's an example of a real-life best man speech. Look at the way the humour is used to great effect!

"Hi everyone, before I start could I just get confirmation from the BBC technicians in the other room that the canned laugher is ready to go the moment I crash and burn,..ok, lets go.

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to start by thanking Kevin on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words. I think they all look beautiful and have done a great job of looking after Gemma today. I would also like to thank everyone here on behalf of the bride and groom, for sharing their wedding day, particularly those who've travelled long way.

I think it's fair to say that currently I feel like I've moved from the witness bench to the dock as I stand here before you, and yet I'm not the one who has been sentenced here today, sorry! That should be married. Still, as my jury I feel obliged to put the case for my defence before you.

When Kevin asked me to be his best man he dulled the fear I would experience by plying me with a few pints and offering me a tenner. I told him I couldn't be bought, so then he offered me twenty-five quid, and I asked him if he thought I was cheap. Finally he offered me fifty quid. So good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Giles and I'm the best man!!

Kevin and I first meet about 7 years ago when we started working in the same company. Back then at work he was always known as a 'god'; you would never see him, he was holier than thou, and if he did any work it was a bloody miracle! But times change and it's good to see he's moved on and settled down with someone as wonderful as Gemma.

Apparently, it's my duty to offer a small piece of advice to the groom and Kevin will be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be compared to football, 'be fully committed every week and make sure you score every Saturday' however, Gemma assures me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer list!!

So with all this good advice flying around I decided to ask Kevin what he was looking for in a marriage; he replied love, happiness and a family. When I asked Gemma the same question, she thought for a moment and replied a 'perky copulator', sorry, I mean a 'coffee percolator'.

At this point its traditional to read a few of the cards,

'Dear Kevin, from all of us at Madame Thrashards spanking emporium we hope you have a great day. Ps many thanks for your annual subscription cheque.'

'Dearest Kevy Wevy, I miss your strong arms, your tender loving ways, the way you whispered sweet nothings in my ear. I realise I am a loser in love, but I will never forget those wonderful evenings we spent together by the pool. Love forever, Michael Barrymore'

'Dear Kevin & Gemma, Wishing you every happiness on your wedding day, unfortunately owing to unforeseen circumstances I can't be there with you to celebrate your day in person. Lots of love, Al Sama Bin Laden.'

It therefore gives me great pleasure to invite you all to charge your glasses, and be upstanding as we toast the new couple, Mr & Mrs Meek, the bride & groom, ladies & gentlemen, 'the bride & groom'."

More examples at: hitched.co.uk

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