For A Best Man Speech?
The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'"
In the Garden of Eden God called Adam to him and said, "Now I shall teach you how to kiss."
"Lord, what is kiss?" asked Adam.
"I will show you," said God and taught him all he needed to know about kissing. Whereupon Adam went to Eve and kissed her.
Then God called Adam back and said, "Now I shall teach you about intimacy."
"Lord, what is Intimacy?" asked Adam.
"I will show you," said God and taught him all he needed to know about intimacy. Adam then went to Eve, but came back almost immediately...
"Lord," asked Adam, "what is headache?"
Two aerials met on a rooftop - fell in love - got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
For Any Speech Or Presentation
If you think YOUR day is going bad, just check out this story!
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving as an instructor off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
Two men are going down the street, one digs a hole the second fills it in.
They carry on down the street and again one digs a hole and the second fills it in.
A passer by is bemused by this and goes over to the Irish men and asks them "What on earth is going on?".
One of the men replies saying, "Our mate who plants the trees is off ill today."
For Business Speeches
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well, " says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well, " says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
How many union guys does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. You got a problem with that?
I was in the VIP lounge last week on my way to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting in the corner enjoying a drink. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but he was running a bit late.
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business.
I asked him if he would be willing to throw me a quick "Hello Chris" while I was with my client. He agreed.
A few minutes later while I was meeting with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied "Buzz off Gates, can't you see I'm in a meeting!"
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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