Retirement Jokes - Some Great Examples

Here are some one-liners and jokes for retirement speeches.

You can easily change the wording to suit your situation.

For example, rather than: "I always arrived late at the office, but I made up for it by leaving early", you can say:

"John always arrived late at the office, but he made up for it by leaving early".

Some short retirement jokes and quotes:

"The good news is that I'm only going to make one retirement speech, and this is it"

"When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch" R C Sherriff

"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man" Scott Elledge

"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does" Anonymous

Some longer jokes for retirement speeches:

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look", she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day", he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing", the woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six", he said.

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff 'miss' him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same" We will always remember you" etc. Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?" Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years."

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